“When I was young I was sure of everything; in a few years, having been mistaken a thousand times, I was not half so sure of most things as I was before; at present, I am hardly sure of anything but what God has revealed to me”
It’s funny how we can be so sure of our plans one day and be confused another. This may not be the case for most, but I’m sure some would agree that this fickle mentality can paralyze one from reaching there dreams and desires. How does one make a decision when his plans are constantly evolving from one destination to another. When do the pictures and dreams narrow down? How does one pick from a wall that hangs 100’s of frames, each with a different vision? When can I put my finger down on that spinning globe that shows so many places I could spend my life?
Decisions in the beginning of a journey appear impossible to make for it is that one step in a certain direction that carries with it a load of promises, commitment, labour and perseverance. The choice to march through such rough terrain begins at that first step. So yeah, it’s hard to make that step!
I often say that “it’s better to walk in the wrong direction then no direction at all, cause at least your not standing still waiting for something to happen to or for you“, however I must humbly admit that the reality of such a step is far more difficult then such a line lets on.
Whether it be a decision to marry, to move away to another city, start a new job, take on a different ministry or foreign University, that first step is hard to take. That step implies change which is the ultimate uncertainty of life. Change moves you off the track of familiarity to one of risk, and let’s be honest, who wants that?
I’ve come to a point in my life where I can reflect upon my victories and failures and conclude that I… “don’t know”. I don’t know, I just DON’T KNOW. Ask me a question and I’ll have an answer but ultimately I have no idea. In the past I’ve been sure of myself on certain matters to later find out that I… “don’t know”.
However, I’ve come to admit that I DO know that I don’t know. I DO know that I don’t know the perfect ministry style, the answers to every question on morality and spirituality, the solutions to unfruitful Christianity, or whatever other topic I appear to have a grasp on. For all I know is that I myself, Jesse Sudirgo, does not know. Even though I may not be exactly where John Wesley was in what he called at the time “the present”, I believe I am coming to that place before his “present”. A place where one reaches the end of himself. It’s often difficult to hear his revealed word when I know I am still here. I am fading, sometimes not even by choice but non the less, Jesse is fading. But As I fade, may his voice drown my will.
I’ve always thought of being “on Fire” as an excited, happy, passionate state where one spiritually feels on top of the world. However, I just recently realized how hot and uncomfortable being “on Fire” can be 🙂
When one realizes he ‘doesn’t know’, it’s difficult to take a step. However, as much as I don’t know, it’s amazing that I DO know that I am where God wants me to be. As dark and depressing as this blog may be, I am glad to be where I am today. These next few months will be crucial, but more than ever before, I’m waiting on him, leaning my ear attentively to hear the whisper that directs my path. You gotta love adventures!
Please keep me in your prayers friends.